Let's make it fun...

Hey y'all.

There comes a time in all our lives and loves when we realize we miss the fact that we are writers at heart. Be aware. I am coming back. With a vengeance. Thank you to the VERY few who have listened, and the truth is, I know you all now. Nonetheless, when I am ready, you will see some very interesting blogs showing up in this space. And since I know you all--if you think an essay is remotely worthy of another venue, please let me know. Love.

Emotional Scariness...

So, tonight, I randomly found myself watching the last quarter or maybe half of a NOVA special about a court case involving Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Ultimately, in a court of law an "establishment clause" case. But all I could think of were the various arguments I have posed against myself and the discussions/conversations/arguments I have had with my man on the same topic.

I have become more comfortable labeling myself an "agnostic" in the midst of these interactions, nonetheless, I'm still unclear as to my truest label. I want to believe in the God I was "indoctrinated" with as a Roman Catholic child. Because, at least in my era, that God is very forgiving and compassionate. However, believing in an actual, viable, miraculous God is next to impossible when you are intelligent enough to understand science. Has science explained every tiny thing? No. But might they? Well, that's a different question.

This is why I sob for both sides of the question. Richard Dawkins would probably hate me for that, but it's true. I am sad for those who have no one to beg for help from, as well as, those who are begging for help to a deity who may/probably doesn't exist. The tragedy of all of it is so extreme for me that I can barely handle it. Because I feel torn in half myself. I don't have an idea of which would be a better outcome.

If there is something after this--we have the chance to reunite with loved ones who have "gone before." If not, then, well, every single decision might mean even more because life is all we have... every moment... individually... when they're all gone--we will never exist again. That also means there is nothing special about any of us that is not a random, biological, chemical anomaly for each of us... Strange to want to believe that, but many people do... That is what most people would call a "soul," but true atheists don't believe in its existence. And why should they? Unless you have experienced something supernatural yourself--everything is faith, and even if you have experienced something--who would believe you? I have experienced plenty of supernatural occurrences, but it's always easier not to acknowledge them to an atheist! Oh, well, sorry for the crazy blog... Life is a little messy now.

Testing... myself.

Okay, so... I have a new computer. And I'm bored. And so, I decided to explore myspace a bit. And I decided, on a whim, mainly because I thought this person would not be out there... to look up an ex-boyfriend. THE ex-boyfriend, actually. And lo-and-behold: there he was, with no privacy shield on his profile or anything. And at first, my stomach dropped. Those in the know may say with me here, "What? It's been over two years, right?!" And then I'm glancing through, and looking at stuff, just couldn't help myself it would seem, and he's "in a relationship," too! And I thought: Wow. I wonder who she is, what she's like, how long? Then, I thought, "That's cool. Maybe he's happy, too." Because I'm happy now. And I thought, yeah, I am happy now... Is this is a little weird? Maybe I shouldn't have been looking him up... Do happy people look up exes to see what happened to them?

See, as far as I know, no one that used to be tight with him has heard anything since he vanished to Massachusetts. So, I figured, it's okay to be curious, right? He's probably alive, but where has he ended up? No, I didn't send a message or anything. Considered and rejected that in about a heartbeat. No interest in renewing our acquaintance. I figure, that's good, too, right? So, am I creepy because I looked up on myspace the last guy I was in love with, who really messed me up, two plus years after the fact, when I'm madly in love with the man I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life with?! This was my thought as I was clicking off his page. What possessed me to look him up in the first place? In order to make myself feel a little less weird about that, I then searched my first adult "love." He wasn't out there though. At least, not that I could find. Not that I really wanted to, I mean, I searched him more as a joke. Didn't care that much about that one, since I knew he was a complete loser before we "broke up" if you could even call it that.

I've slowly been learning that damn near the whole world is on myspace! And, I think, I just wanted to test myself for my reaction to that ex. I don't think that's so bad. Or that unusual. We had a mercurial, unhealthy relationship. Of course, I fought seeing it that way at the time! I think I wanted to test how dead all that screwed up stuff was. The fact that I wanted to throw up could be a good or bad sign. On the one hand, I wish my reaction wasn't so visceral. On the other, at least there was no desire for the past. I still feel a little shaky. I started typing this blog right after.

That relationship changed me in so many bad ways. I can't hate him, though sometimes I wish I could, because I know it wasn't his fault. He was just such a mess. I don't think he was ever aware of how badly he was screwing me up. I think he honestly believed breaking up with me was sparing me something every time, when really it was just chipping away. I've fought so hard to get back to who I was when I met him, despite all the baggage of us weighing me down, because I had really loved who I was before him.

And finally, I think, I did it. And not long after, though I did kiss a few frogs in the meantime, I met the man I'm with now, and the funny thing is... they are very similar and wildly different men. This makes sense when I think, I was attracted to one and am attracted to the other. It makes sense they have certain things in common. Where they diverge is the really good relationship stuff. The things that make my current relationship so much better. Common ground, because I had very little in common with my ex. Dreams and goals, it's wonderful to be with someone who has them, too! Consistancy. Understanding. Communication that doesn't run in perpetual circles. A willingness to fight for us, not walk or run away. Knowledge of himself. A deep desire to know and understand me. And possibly the best thing, considering my history, the desire to have me be, and continue growing as, my purest self, the real me. The wacky, silly, sexy, creative, bitchy wildcat he fell for. Not some changeling who's emptied herself out in order to be filled with whatever characteristics might make up his dreamgirl, and thus the one he will stop breaking up with out of the blue. (Yes, that is who I became in that troubling relationship, though I'm still not sure if my ex ever truly realized that.)

Sadly, I still have residue of the anxiety disorder I developed courtesy of that relationship a few years ago. Maybe that's why my stomach dropped. It was not an unfamiliar feeling. Thankfully, not one I experience to that degree very often, if at all, anymore. Maybe that's the best test result in the end. My stomach has returned to normal writing about the man I love and who loves me. There is relief. Though some residue still remains, the potential scars seem to be healing, and that relationship may finally, truly, happily be behind me.

Wow, Did I let this go... SORRY!

FINALLY! A new blog... My (very scant) readership can finally relax in knowing that YES--I am alive. I find myself wanting to write reams or nothing at all. This has been my dilemma since July when I met the man I love and lost a friend I thought was true, all in the same weekend and because of each other! Crazy I know. How does a person deal with that mess? Obviously not by blogging! At least, I haven't. But life is about to get more interesting again. Sports are back in season. I am moving to New Orleans--WHAT?! You may be saying, yes, it's not a misprint. That has to do with the man as well, but... what can I say? I am a woman in love. We'll see what transpires... And I will try to blog about everything at least once a week. So, back here on Monday....

Worth it...

Sometimes it takes a few times to learn something. And then you learn it, but sometime later on need a little refresher. That happened to me recently in the realm of men. I look forward to finding a man who is actually worthy of me, someday. For now I will leave it at that, to acknowledge what I need and to admit what I have yet to find. The one problem I continue to have is making excuses for the wrong/bad ones. No longer gratuitous mind you, but still--excuses. I'm too forgiving. I'm too nice. I'm too caring. I need to direct all of those wonderful attributes at a person who really needs them and deserves them--myself. Not these men. They aren't worthy. And I know it. And they know it.

Friendship: the Good, the Bad and the (sometimes) Ugly

Yeah, I'm still not getting any better about this blogging. One problem is I've wanted to write about people who might read what I write! Ha! The point of an anonymous blog lost because I have told people about it. That would be funny, if it weren't sort of annoying. At the same time, I have no idea who else would read this randomness if it weren't the people I've told about it! So, I suppose I will throw caution to the wind to delve into one conspicuous change in my life in the past couple of months: friendships.

For instance, it has come to my attention that a certain individual talks about me behind my back. While this is, generally, unsurprising as the person is a gossip and I've always known that, as well as this: if someone wants to talk about other people's business inappropriately to you than the chance is very good they will discuss your business inappropriately with others. I loathe gossip, as most people who know me will acknowledge, and I defend myself against it by pointing out to the potential gossiper that they are sharing information I shouldn't know and to please stop, as I am not interested. (A side note: I do not consider it "gossip" for a person who is pissed at a friend's behavior toward them to have a venting session about her or him with another friend, mutual or otherwise--that's part of what friends are for, and, in essence, that is what I am doing now. I mean: gossip is the sharing of information that would not be commonly known without the approval of the original subject.) That being said, I had already become fairly careful to only tell this person that which I would not mind being known by everyone else we have in common. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about gossip, I'm talking about truly two-faced behavior: one thing said to another friend, something else to me; comments attributed to me, that I never said, about events I was completely unaware of; also, a couple of statements that I can only consider slurs.

Now, the particular slurs demonstrate something unfortunate about this person: the schoolyard bully desire to put someone down to raise oneself up. Some people never outgrow this, evidently, but may add subtlety in adulthood. As ever though, it is still a demonstration of insecurity and, more frequently, jealousy. It can even manifest in a person's perceptions and opinions of events. Whether these opinions are shared with their subject or with someone else is not that important, except if they are shared with their subject it's a much more direct attack, and typically requires more subtlety and the guise of some other reason. If the subject is a healthy person, she learns to recognize it for what it is, regardless.

Something to consider, as my truly close friends, and those who have been very close friends in the past, know--I have no problem with my friends sharing their opinions with me about anything and everything. (Including about this blog, obviously, whether you're one who reads and posts or just reads and tells.) Opinions are great topics of conversation, debate and consideration. However, as those people also know--the only opinions pertaining to me, directly, which would be taken to heart upon hearing are those of my parents. The only two people who absolutely have only my best interests at heart, and no other potential personal agenda, for sharing the opinion with me. All others will be viewed under the basis of the current relationship/circumstance and either tossed or retained for further consideration. (I became a better listener due to some well-considered comments by a friend several years ago.)

These friends also know that I will always respect the other person's right to hold the opinion, but if it is an opinion about me, personally, that I think is judgmental garbage coming from less than altruistic reasoning, chances are I will "consider the source" and will distance myself accordingly. After all, if you know someone holds a poor opinion of something about you, why continue the relationship as it stands? The same way that if I come to hold a poor opinion of someone (or something about her/him) I would choose to distance myself from them anyway. This is how we choose friends; it is what we have done since childhood. We cannot pick our blood families (or for those adopted--the families we are raised in), but we can pick the friends that become our second family as we grow. No one should choose to stay close to someone who judges you poorly, that person will not be a support or an understanding ear. That person becomes a minefield to tread very carefully around.

I have learned that it is very difficult to be a healthy, secure, stable, confident person if you have many friends who do not typically share most of those qualities. The unhealthy, insecure, unstable, less-than-confident will want you to feel the same. I realize I was not in a very happy place for quite a while in the past couple of years. A big relationship collapsed (several times, to be honest) that was not with a particularly healthy person to begin with, and in the midst of it, I had changed. I had become someone I almost didn't recognize. It has taken me a long time to fight my way back to myself, but it finally feels complete in the past year. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that I found some security through that time by latching on to people as equally screwed up or more screwed up than I was! Safety in numbers, I suppose. It is very weird to become blazingly aware that several of your relationships need to be adjusted or even abandoned because the other person is simply a bad influence or wildly self-centered or spectacularly inappropriate or incredibly insecure or is, in some other way, deeply unhealthy. Any and all of which may make them periodically aggressive or antagonistic about whatever healthy trait you are displaying that they don't currently hold themselves! Still, I suppose it is better to be aware of it than wonder why spending time with a person has started to irritate, frustrate, sadden or anger you. Culling the herd, so to speak, and starting to spend more time with those that are in a similar healthy state as yourself. As someone said, "Like breeds like." As such, I need to be spending the majority of my time with the people who are in the same place as I am.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating dropping friends when they are going through a bad time--NO WAY! I'm blessed with the healthy friends I have who had continued reaching out to me through the bad time. These being the ones, along with my parents and family, who have most likely said, "You are so much more you, again" in the past several months. Nearly all of them recognizing in some way the end of the less-than-me I had been for a while. I note this as we are spending more time together or are in better touch now that I am more myself, again. I have learned it is best to realize which friends are truly friends versus which so-called friends have been unhealthy ballast in desperate times. Best of all, it is a relief to recognize it, and to act accordingly.

Hmmm and Life goes on...

Must admit... I am all about hockey and a specific man I am seeing right now. That makes for a totally useless blog for most of you. This is mainly because I DON'T blog enough. I wish I could put all of my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears out here, but I just realized reading one of my last posts--I spelled reason wrong, it was definitely a typo, being that the "s" was left out and that was all, but UGH! I'm smarter than that! How did I not catch it BEFORE publishing! I loathe that kind of thing...

On a purely selfish note--is it wrong to go out on dates with a few guys while knowing that you really just want one of them in the worst/best way? What do you think, ladies? And gentlemen--let me know...